I haven’t always had the best luck when it comes to relationships. I’ll be honest, I’ve fallen for a few bad-slash-totally-shallow guys. Okay, maybe more than a few. From that disoriented communication degree student (from one of the prestigious private university in this town) until that horrific drug-addicted, I’ve dated some real losers over the years. However, while most of the men from my past were bad, there have also been some guys who were actually pretty good. Ones who treated me with respect, and who, I thought, could be around for the long haul. But they weren’t. People break up all the time. Yet my break ups were different. They were always abrupt and I was often left without closure. It was hard to accept my failure in dating. Why was this constantly happening to me? Was I just clueless when it came to men and partnerships? But then I soon realized the problem. Whenever I dated a guy it wasn’t just the two of us in the relationship. There was always someone else. And it wasn’t a family member or a friend, it was my alter ego who always over-concerned about what people might think about me, the one I was dating with, and their opinion about our relationship at the time.
But no since this alter ego is slowly disappearing now; I’ve found myself in a relationship that seems to be the healthiest one I’ve ever had. I feel like I can do things with the guy that I was never able to do before. We can hold hands while we walk down the Mall some time. We can steal kisses while we wait in the line at the movies. We can even go to Coffee Toffee without the snark! It’s as if Makassar is our oyster and we can do whatever it is that we want to do without the fear of someone watching us. Or judging us. It’s refreshing. It makes me feel light and airy. Full of promise and hope. Perhaps this relationship could be it. With no this alter ego I don’t have to worry about what people think. I can be myself with this man and show him the real Alul Syahrul Ramadhan. The one that I always wanted but couldn’t have since the spotlight was constantly on me. No that the spotlight has dimmed, I think I’m ready to take the plunge and fall in love. But this time, it’s going to be on my own terms.